Nada Te Turbe

I've been thinking a lot lately about the what stresses me out most in life.  It's not the tough clinical scenarios, busy days, practical aspects of maintaining a household, or parenting responsibilities that get to me, I find.  It's the toxic nature of certain people.

I tend to get very strong "vibes" from, and have equally strong reactions to, other people.  I'm not claiming that the vibes I sense are always accurate - though my husband and I believe they are, actually - but only that they can create very strong feelings in me, and sometimes the intensity of these feelings causes me great stress.

Today I had the kind of day that might have been stressful for a number of reasons.  I had to come in extra early to relieve the night doc.  I was the physician in charge today and that, in and of itself, usually raises my blood pressure a few notches.  There's always a lot of busy work to do as the charge person, with constant interruptions by beeper tones, phone calls, surgeons with questions, nurses with questions, patients with questions.  Moreover, we had at least two clinically difficult patients in the rooms today, one of whom almost coded on me.  But I wasn't that stressed.  In fact, I was pretty calm and content.

And I knew why.  The absence of toxic coworkers made all the difference.  

There have been a few people in my work life, at other hospitals and at my current one, who are like poison to my day, for any number of different reasons - lack of integrity; pathetic or non-existent work ethic; arrogance; contentiousness; snide or critical speaking tones; biting hostility; back-stabbing tendencies; bullying; hypocrisy; narcissism; disrespect; a lazy or indifferent attitude to patient care.  When I sense "vibes" of this nature from other people, I tend to develop very strong feelings about their behavior patterns.  More than anything else, the effects of their actions on the quality of my day, and the feelings they inspire, are a noxious presence in my life - largely because I allow them to be.

I know, however, that I have some control over that.  That I can train myself to choose not to let my strong reactions to toxic people have such a hold on me.  I know I can be a little less perturbed by the scripts others are acting out and just focus on my own.  But like any spiritual habit, this effort to reclaim an inner peace, this way of living in the world with less reactivity and stress and greater mindfulness of what's truly at work, is going to take time and practice.

Pray more, said a voice in my head when I was meditating during Mass this weekend.  I guess that wouldn't be a bad way to start; after all, prayer - or meditation, or focused awareness, or connection to the sacred, or whatever label suits your understanding - does have the power to transform us, whether or not anyone seems to be listening.  I've been too content with the idea of my entire life being a kind of prayer; I haven't been proactive enough, like an athlete training to keep her body in shape.  It's time to stop neglecting that dimension of my life and start practicing a little better.