Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Can't Write

I've been blogging less lately, but with no less desire to write.

Sometimes, though, even if I want to, I just can't write about what's on my mind.

I can't write about how worried I am about the city of Manila.  How I think to myself we Filipinos are #12 for population in the world, and an eighth of that population is soaking wet in that city, and now dealing with sewage, trash, loss, and disease as the waters start to recede but more rain is on the horizon. Yet here I am safe, warm, dry, and comfortable enjoying a quiet night with my husband and kids.

I can't write about how deeply I disagree with some opinions that have been expressed about faith, medicine, politics, and other related matters on various blogs, news articles, facebook posts, etc.  It's too tiring.

I can't write about bad cross-cultural experiences that still leave me feeling sour.

I can't write about people I've been reminded of lately who really, really, really bring back unpleasant memories and sentiments.  

On top of all this, I have an outside writing project I really want to work on, and I can't seem to believe in it enough to move forward.

Am I depressed?  

But I don't feel depressed.  I'm actually quite happy these days.  Work is fine.  Kids are doing great.  Husband's a sweetheart.

And my thoughts, my swirly thoughts, continue streaming around my mind in colorful, noisy little ribbons, like the decorations for a barrio fiesta in my home city.  Lots of thoughts. Those are all still there.

Yet I can't write right now.  I wonder why.  I miss it.


K. said...

Keep going!

Hey, I can really really relate...I am also having a "down" period... but I'm trying to just push through it. I'm glad you wrote even though you didn't know what to write!

My prayers for the Phillipines...

Kim said...

It breaks my heart to see what's happening in your home country right now. I pray that they will receive a lot of help. Do you know of any organizations that are accepting donations for care packages perhaps? As far as the way you are feeling, I can sympathize a lot. You and I have had recent conversations about some of those things...I truly do understand. I've had a hard time writing lately too.

Jo said...

{loads of hugs}
Hopefully the writing will come back. Can you make notes, not trying to put them into anything coherent, but just bullet points of things that you would want to write down for later?

And seriously - do not let opinions (whether online or through news articles) let you get wound up - the internet especially is the ultimate in democracy, where everyone is allowed their say, even those who don't think before posting or who don't want to listen to alternative arguments. As long as you are able to keep an open mind yourself, don't try to argue with people who don't want to listen!

Elaine Fine said...

Why is it that your writing about not being able to write is able to communicate so much?

I understand what you are going through. Sometimes it is necessary not to write about things that are both extremely important and extremely hard to understand, and wait for the wisdom that comes with hindsight to articulate your deeper developing thoughts.

T. said...

Thank you all, truly. Your words of comfort and friendship are keeping me going!

The Girl said...

Take care!
It is very sad and we are all thinking and praying for those who are in the Phillipines.

CaShThoMa said...

Well said. There are times when writing a blog post seems impossible even when there is so much to say. From my experience it tends to pass although it can be weeks.

My thoughts are with you; I can "hear clearly" through your posts your love and concern for your home country.

Best to you in this rough patch.

Lisa Johnson said...

I'm wishing you well T. And thinking all in due time. Sometimes I feel like when we're getting ready to take a big step forward, we need to stay still for a while. Maybe gathering strength? Maybe I'm just tired. : )